


The Things I Never Got To Say

by Why_do_you_want_to_know



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Cas needs a hug, Castiel Can Hear Longing (Supernatural), Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Crying Castiel (Supernatural), Dead Dean Winchester, Dead Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester in Heaven, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Everything Hurts, Exiled Castiel (Supernatural), Feels, Heaven, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt No Comfort, I'm Sorry, Lonely Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, The Author Regrets Everything, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, We hate Naomi, no beta we die like men, so many feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:27:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22214794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Why_do_you_want_to_know/pseuds/Why_do_you_want_to_know
Summary: Dear Dean.I don't know why I'm writing this, it's not like you will ever read it, but there are some things I need you to know. I can't tell you. I can't contact you. But maybe if I write it down on paper I will finally be able to get it off my conscience.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 23





	The Things I Never Got To Say

**Author's Note:**

> Ok. First of all, important stuff. Normal text is present. Italics is memories. Bold is Cas' letter.
> 
> Thank you so much for clicking on my story!! I hope it lives up to your expectations!! Also..... I'm sorry. I nearly cried while writing this and then I nearly cried again while editing. I just.... I'm sorry.
> 
> Just...... Enjoy?

Cas - no Castiel. He was Castiel now, Cas was the man he used to be. He wasn’t that man - that angel - not anymore. Castiel looked down blankly at the clear paper. It was as empty as his heart, the difference was that empty paper was full of possibilities - it could be drawn on, a story could be written down, a problem could be solved - Castiel's heart was empty of possibilities as well as feelings.

But that was always the problem wasn't it? No matter how numb he became. No matter how empty he tried to stay, one certain feeling still managed to work it's way past the barriers Heaven tried to put up.

No matter how much God tried, no matter how much Heaven tried, no matter how much anyone or anything tried, they could never become the strongest force in existence, because that spot was already taken and it had saved Castiel and damned him more times than he could count.

With tears which shouldn't exist already welling in his eyes, he put his pen against the paper and allowed it's inky blackness to flow onto the white blankness of the page. The ink flowed and swirled and made words, words which Castiel shouldn't write, words which he shouldn't feel.

**Dear Dean.**

**I don't know why I'm writing this, it's not like you will ever read it, but there are some things I need you to know. I can't tell you. I can't contact you. But maybe if I write it down on paper I will finally be able to get it off my conscience.**

**Probably not, but it's always worth a try, right** **_._ **

He didn't know why he was bothering. It wasn't like he was going to be able to give it to Dean. The bunker had laid empty and silent for years - abandoned just like it had been before Sam and Dean had moved in and filled it with life and joy - and it wasn't like post delivered to graveyards. They would be more likely to read it then throw it in the bin, than deliver it to the correct grave. It wasn't like Cas could just go up and see Dean; no matter how much he wished he could.

**I know that you were angry with me last time we met - so so long ago - but I need you to know:**

**I didn't abandon you.**

**Except I did. And that's the worst thing, because I promised I wouldn't, because it was the one thing you feared and the one thing I never ever wanted to do. But then I had to. And I did it for you, but you don't know that - you can't know that.**

**I don't know what you have told yourself over the years, but I didn't want to leave you. I had to, to keep you safe. You see, I made a deal. I know that if you were here you would be yelling at me, I know I promised I wouldn't make any more deals, but I did.**

**Why?**

**For you. It was always for you** **_._ **

_ "Castiel." An annoying voice called from behind him. _

_ Cas growled in annoyance before spinning around on the balls of his feet, angel blade in hand. "Naomi, what do you want." It had been a while since he had seen the other angel, normally Dean and Sam were around and that seemed to be enough to keep her away. Dean had promised last time they met, that if he ever saw her within 100m of Cas again, he would kill her. No one had doubted for a second that he meant it. _

_ "Ah Castiel, your manners are as lovely as always." She said with a wide - and clearly fake - smile, "Now what makes you think I want something?" _

_ Cas just rolled his eyes, "You always want something. Now what. Do. You. Want. I have a home to be getting back to, and it sure as Hell isn't Heaven." He hissed, still holding his angel blade but now more angry than on edge. His home was the bunker now. He was no longer 'Castiel angel of the Lord' he was now just 'Cas Winchester' and his family were Dean and Sam. He was no longer part of the Heavenly host. He was a Winchester now. _

_ "Ah yes, your so called home. How are the Winchester boys? Especially Dean?" Naomi looked so proud of herself, like he knew she had found Cas' weakness, he hated that it was true. _

_ Cas growled louder this time and set a glare hot enough to melt metal, at Naomi, "You are not to go anywhere near them." He knew that Naomi didn't care about his threats, but he had to try. He had to protect them. Sam was like a brother to him, more of a brother than any of his real brothers had ever been. And Dean? Dean was…… complicated. But the important part of that was that he would do anything for either of them. _

_ "Calm down Castiel." Naomi said, a real smile on her face this time. She had him backed into a corner and they both knew it, "no harm is going to your pet monkeys, I just want to talk." _

**The deal I made wasn't with a demon. It wasn't anything like that, there were no blood pacts, there weren't even any contracts. It was a simple deal. But they wouldn't break their side and they knew I wouldn't dare break mine.**

**You see, I made a deal with Naomi. She claimed it was with Heaven, but I feel like it was just her - there isn't much Heaven left nowadays, not that it mattered either way.**

**The thing with them - my 'family' - is they know where to hit to make it hurt, and how to manipulate things to their will. They knew I would agree to the deal and that was all they cared about. They knew I wouldn't dare test them because they had found my greatest weakness.**

_ "It's simple really. I was all for making you lose your grace, but then I had a marvelous idea. The thing is Castiel, Heaven wants you to suffer for what you've done, and falling just won't cut it." Naomi explained with a smile which was quickly turning manic. "You are to leave Heaven, leave it forever and never return; and you must never see the Winchesters again. You keep your grace and live the rest of your miserable existence alone, without the monkey you fell for - in more ways than one - or his brother, and with no chance of ever seeing them again." _

_ Cas just stared at her for a minute, ignoring her jab about how he loved Dean, he hated how they figured it out, but he assumed that if Naomi had to reprogram him a bunch of times it was no wonder she found his deepest secret. He finally found his words after a whole minute of silence, "why would I ever do that?" He asked shocked, "no deal." And with that he turned his back and started walking away. _

_ "Because," Naomi said, her strong voice carrying across the distance and stopping Cas in his tracks, "if you do, the Winchesters go to Heaven. It's this or either Hell or the Empty. It's up to you.” she paused for a moment before adding, in a voice which proved she knew exactly what she was doing, and loved every second of it, “How would you feel, knowing that your human will go to one of those two options. Every time you look in his green eyes, you will know you damned him. You will never see him again either way, so what do you say?" _

**You said that there is always another way, but in this case there really wasn't. Heaven is powerful, more so than me, and they would have made good on their promise. You've been to Hell before, I saved you from it - I wasn't going to let you get thrown back in because of me. For years after I pulled you out, you still had nightmares about it. That wasn't an option. And the Empty? I've been there and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, never mind you.**

**I had no other options, and Heaven knew that, thrived off that. I was backed into the corner and it was do as they say or you pay.**

**I couldn't let you pay. Not when their problem was with me.**

_ "I'm going to do it Sammy, I'm finally going to do it." Dean's voice echoed through the bunker as Cas walked in. He sounded so happy, so excited, and Cas was sad that this was going to be the last time they ever saw each other. It had to be done. _

_ "Wow! Really!" Came Sam's reply. He sounded actually, genuinely excited and Cas hoped that even if it was the last thing he ever did with the brothers, he found out why they were both so excited. _

_ "Hello?" He called, his deep voice echoing throughout the walls of the bunker. He stayed standing in the war room, he couldn't go any further in. If he did, he would never be able to leave. He couldn't let that happen. _

_ The sound of a chair scraping echoed in response to his yell and footsteps - Sam's judging from their length - followed. "Cas! Hey!" Sam said, walking into the room with barely suppressed glee on his face, "nice to see you, Dean has something he needs to say." And with that he went back the way he came, back in the direction of the library. Cas was slightly confused but decided to leave it, apparently Dean needed to talk to him. _

_ "Hey Cas." Dean said with a small, shy smile as he walked in. It was his smallest and most emotionally open Cas had ever seen him and it both filled his heart with glee, and then sadness. He had to leave after this. _

_ "You wanted to tell me something?" Cas asked, staying at the bottom of the stairs where he was, while trying not to look suspicious. It didn't work if the look Dean gave him was anything to go by, but nothing was mentioned. _

_ "Yeah, it's just," Dean rubbed the back of his neck like he always did when he was nervous, but the rest of his body language remained relaxed so Cas assumed everything was ok, "Iloveyou." Dean blurted out. _

_ It took Cas a minute to figure out what he had said, but when he did he just froze. "What." He whispered. He couldn't believe it. "You - you love me?" A small nod was all the reply he got, but all he needed. All he wanted to do was leap forwards, pull Dean into a crushing hug and kiss him until Sam appeared and told them to get a room, but he couldn't. He had made a deal and although there was nothing binding him to it, Naomi wasn't joking around. If he chose to not leave, Dean could be damned for all eternity. _

_ "I'm sorry." He gasped as he stumbled backwards, "I'm sorry, it's not you, I just - I can't." And with that he ran out the door and into his car. And then he drove. He drove for weeks and he kept driving until he was far far away; somewhere where no one knew him and he could spend the rest of his lonely, miserable existence in peace. _

_ Somewhere where he was no longer Cas. Where he was now Castiel. _

**I'm sorry. That's what I need to say most of all. It wasn't you, it was never you that made me leave. You were my reason for staying. My reason for existing. But sometimes you have to cause pain in the short run to save someone in the long run, and that was what happened here.**

**I'm sorry I always hurt you. I'm sorry that the timing of me leaving was so bad. I'm sorry that I can never return. I'm sorry that I can never tell you how sorry I am. I'm sorry about it all.**

**I'm not sure if you will believe me, but I never stopped missing you. I never stopped wishing I could turn back time or break the deal. But I had to. I had to stay away.**

**After I left, I bought a cabin in the woods. It was one of those places people dream of moving to but I hated - no - I hate it. Every room reminds me how you aren't there. Every second I'm in it is another reminder of what has changed.**

_ Once he was settled in his new cabin in the woods, Castiel cried for a week. _

_ He cried over the loss of his life. His identity. His family. He cried over what was and what could have been. _

_ He could still feel Dean's longing. Still feel his soul. He might not have been able to fly and he might have been a bit of a sorry excuse for an angel, but if there was one thing he was so finely attuned with that he could never escape, it was Dean Winchester's soul. _

_ He could still feel it for years. The longing never went away. The ache never went away. _

_ Castiel felt as his soul left this plane of existence but, as if to add insult to injury, he could still feel it even then. It didn't feel of eternal pain, not eternal nothingness, but Cas knew that Heaven had gotten what it wanted. He was alone and miserable, longing for something he couldn't have, forever. _

**I wish I could find a way to give this to you, but I can't come up there without risking you being thrown out, and none of the other Angels are going to risk their wings - well, I guess their wings are already broken; my fault again, so I guess none of the angels are going to risk their grace - because if they got caught helping me, than their punishment wouldn't be the same as mine, they would be forced to fall.**

**I don't know what to feel anymore. I'm so alone, but I shouldn't feel. I gave up everything for you and would do it all again in a heartbeat, but that's why I was forced to leave you. Everytime I tried to make things better I just made them worse. I feel like my insides are bleeding, I feel like I can't breathe - not that angels need to - I feel like I'm just slowly dying without you by my side, but I can't die.**

**Maybe you were better off without me. Maybe after I left you were finally able to live your life, live happily, forget about me and move on, love someone who was allowed to love you back. But even I know that's a complete lie. I could feel your soul and after I left, even when you were angry, even when you realised I wasn't coming back, even when you had basically moved your life on - you still longed for me.**

**Dean, I know it must have felt like I was abandoning you, but I need you to know. Every time I felt your longing, it took everything I had not to drive as fast as I could and get there. All I wanted was to return to your side; it's all I still want.**

**Dean. I know you will never read this, but I want you to know something. No. I need you to know something. Dean, I loved you. I love you. You were everything to me, you were worth more than Heaven, more than Earth, more than every star in the night sky. I loved you with every fiber of my being, with every particle of my grace, and I will forever more.**

**I love you.**

**Yours, always and forever.**

**Cas.**

Castiel stared down at his page. It was no longer empty, no longer full of possibilities. It now had a purpose. Castiel still couldn't relate to it. He had been able to once, long ago when he was full of feeling and his purpose was clear, back when he was Cas.

He felt so empty, so numb, he had spilled all his feelings onto the page and they had spread out and taken over. He was like a glass of water. His water was all over everywhere, while he was now empty. The problem was, in a few hours - or maybe a few days - they would all come rushing back and he would drown under the intensity of the loss, the longing, the hurt. He wished he could drown for real.

The nagging feeling in the back of his head started up again, he could never ignore it for very long, it was just as stubborn as Dean had been. But he couldn't follow it. Couldn't go and answer it's siren song.

He carefully picked up the tear stained paper, folded it and slipped it into an envelope. There was no point putting an address in it, so he simply wrote **'Dean'** and sealed it.

He wished he could stay numb for longer, but just seeing Dean's name was pulling feeling to the surface, feelings he shouldn't be feeling, feelings which started all this mess.

He carefully placed it down on the table before walking out, his trenchcoat swung as he walked through the empty house, climbed the lonely stairs and collapsed onto his cold bed. Angels didn't need to sleep, but that didn't mean that the comfort of a bad was wasted on them. He just needed somewhere soft to cry. He buried his face into the pillow, pretending for a moment he could smell something which had never been in the cabin. Someone who hadn't been around for years.

Feeling was the worst thing that ever happened to him; yet he still couldn't regret it.

**Author's Note:**

> *Offers tissues out to readers* Anyone need a tissue? I think I might have some chocolate here somewhere?  
> Yeah. I really am sorry.
> 
> well.... I hope you enjoyed that little angst fest.   
> If you did please drop a kudos and a comment!  
> Hope to see you again!!!!!  
> Have a fabulous day/night!!!!!


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